I have no idea who is casting the shows on
the Discovery Channel and TLC…
(I’m leaving off the other gazillion channels they have…
like Discovery Home and the like…
I never watch them)

But I’d like to thank them…
And give them a big ole kiss on the lips and say…

“Thank you for the dudes…”

I watch both channels, like all the time…
And the men on there are probably the reason…

Dudes who are working hard with their hands…
And building things with large tools…

*grunt*

Here’s a list of the

TLC/Discovery Men Most Wanted…

(by me…for me)

And if anyone out there knows them…
Tell them Mike says hi…
And give them a good, Football “Good Game” slap on the ass from me…
O.K.?

First up are the guys from
American Chopper

Apart from making real nice looking bikes and good ole New York Boys…
This father and son team are burley and buff…
But it’s not only about Paul Sr. and Paul Jr.
The other guys on the staff are down right beau coup…
Christian is a handsome and dependable redhead…
But my all time fave would be Vinnie…
*swoon*
He’s like the everyman on the show…
Laid back…
And an all around good guy…

Next…
The guys from
American Hotrod

Even though I haven’t been watching this as much…
(The dynamics are all off…
and the feel of the show leaves a bad taste in my mouth…)
I still like peeking in and seeing who’s on…
Out of minor mechanics on there, Jim is a cute little cubby…
But out of the all the guys, I’m digging Charlie and Duane the most…
Charlie is technically not part of the Covington team any more…
(Ended up getting fired on one of the shows.)
But he was the nice guy with the heart of gold…
And Duane…
Well… He’s the hard ass…
But I’d like to check what’s under his hood.

(Oh by the way…
I’d like to apologize right now
for the large number of sexual innuendoes
that I will more than likely be using during this post…
With men, tools, and them working with their hands involved
it’s just too easy to slip into it…
Now back to the your regular scheduled programs.)

Next…
Steve Watson from
Monster House

He’s the host and “Foreman” of the show…
Beside the whole construction guy look about him…
and he can weld and hammer with the best of them…
It’s really about his voice that gets me…
Gruff like he smokes 2 packs of Marlboro a day…
Hot…

And finally for Discovery…
The one, the only…
Jesse James from
Monster Garage

Even though he can be a bit of a dick
and is slightly homophobic at times…
You just want to ruff him up a bit and wrestle him down onto a bed…
He’s such a f*ckin’ bad boy…
*drool*

Now onto Discovery’s sister network…
TLC…

On
While You Were Out

There’s Jason and Andrew…
Andrew was voted one of the “50 Most Beautiful People”
for 2003 by People magazine…
enough said…
And with Jason…
well…
Check out the gallery on his personal Website.
Woah…

Now up at bat…
Chris Jacobs, Co-Host of
Overhaulin’

He can be a little too “boy type” for me at times…
But there was a couple of episodes there that he had the full beard going…
And well…
Lube job came to mind…

(See… that’s the reason for the above apology. Sorry.)

Next…
Eric Stromer from
Clean Sweep

Don’t let the blond surfer locks fool you…
The dude is diesel…
Like, huge chest…
Huge arms…
Huge…
Well… they haven’t shown that on TV… but…
And a great big personality to match…

And finally…
my favorite program on TLC…
In A Fix

There’s a great chemistry with the crew here, and it shows…
And the guys are definitely easy on the eyes…
The new guy…
“Woody”
(Yes… I know. No need for innuendo here.)
Is a welcome addition to the crew…
Funny guy…

There’s Sparky…
Italiano from Brooklyn…
Loves house music and Dj’s as a hobbie…
(I’m in love.)

And of course…
Justin…
Gruff, tough, and good enough…
Man of few words on the show…
But…
He doesn’t have to say anything…
Sometimes actions speak louder than words…

Well there you have it…

Boys and their toys…

Got’s me all riled up…

Excuse me…
I got to go and build me some shelves with butt joints…

I’m such a GEEK.
I mean…

I’m proud of it…

But…

I scare me sometimes…

Yes… it’s my PSP…

But the uber geek item is the picture on the screen.
It’s a paused image from a video I transferred onto it from my Mac…

I have a program that transfers video from my Mac to the PSP
so I can watch movies on my PSP.

Now for those who don’t recognize the 5 headed dragon on the screen…
(Even though you can only see 4 heads…)

She’s Tiamat…
She is one of the main antagonists on one of my favorite childhood cartoons…

Dungeons and Dragons…

*ducks and covers*

Yes I know…
For the majority out there…
I’m gonna say it for you…

“What a f*ckin’ Geek!”

But you know what…

BITE ME!

Loved the cartoon…
And yes…
I played the roleplaying game…

(I kicked butt… Don’t make me roll DaMaGe on your ass…)

My friend gave me a copy of the entire series on DVD.
At the same time…
I discovered the video capabilities of my PSP…

Thus ultimate geek nirvana was conceived.

“I’m soaking in it.” - Madge

Weird…
I’m at a crossroads…
I can feel it…
I sense that there are changes tunnelling through my life…

(Wow…that sounded a whole lot less ‘fortune cookiesque’ in my head…
anyway…)

I’ve started a new job…

I’m hanging out more regularly at certain places outside of my norm…
And by doing so making new aquaintances…

I’m moving out of certain circles but shifting into adjoining ones…

I’m expanding my scene and re-adjusting my comfort zone…

But it’s a little unsettling…
I had a clear path not too long ago…

Here to here to here…

But life’s thrown me loop d’ loops…

Hmmmm…
another jump off…

Oh well…

Obla dee obla da…

And now for something completely different…

A naked man playing with his organ…

I remember a long time ago,
on Saturday Night Live,
they had a psudo-documentary on kids
that we’re arcade addicts.
It was freakin’ hilarious.
Kids we’re subjected to electro shock therapy
(whenever they grabbed the joystick on an arcade game
they would get shocked)
because they couldn’t stop playing video games.
One little girl even sold her body, charging $.25 a trick.
It was horrible…
well…
horribly funny.
But that was me.
Well, I didn’t trick myself out for quarters.

(I was smart enough to wait till I was at least 18)

But I was/am a video game addict.

When I was 5…

(I was a hell of a brat back then by the way.)

When I was 5, I wanted to go the local arcade.

I blame my next older brother BTW…
He had brought me to the arcade at the local mall one day,
Alladin’s Castle, it was called,
and it was down hill from there.

Anyway…
I was 5 and I wanted to go to the local arcade near my house…
No one had time…
Or in actuality,
No one wanted to deal with me at that time…
(I even, wouldn’t have dealt with me…
I would have smacked me on the back of the head
if I knew me back then)

I stomped and whined…
“I want to go to the arcade… Mom gave me 10 dollars to spend
(and have me go away…)
and I want to go now!
“I can’t take you now. I have to….”
(I stopped listening at this point so…)
“I want to go!”
“You’re gonna have to wait!”
“If you’re not gonna take me…
Well… I’m gonna walk there by myself.”
“Whatever.”

“Whatever” indeed.

They’re storming the Bastille…
“Whatever.”

My older brother goes off to do something “important”.
While my 5 year old self…
To quote The Usual Suspects…
“And like that… *puff* He was gone…”

I headed out of there like a bat out of hell…
All huffing and puffing…
Saying things to myself like…
“I’ll show them.”
“I can do this without them.”
“It’s just to the arcade.”
“F*ck em’.”

Ok… Ok…
I didn’t say “F*ck em’.”
But you get the point.
I was pissed…

In an ureasonable bratty sort of way…

But I was pissed none the less…

I walked by myself…
A 5 year old kid…
Down a steep and treacherous hill…
That ran along side a busy HIGHWAY…
With the possibility of some child snatching,
unspeakable tourturing,
pedophile just lurking down the road…

And I had no other focus but…

“I hope they have Centipede.”

What the hell was wrong with me!?!

Anyway…
Needless to say…
My brother eventually found me…
and he was
P.I.S.S.E.D.
off!!!
Like really…

But he was also worried…

But yeah…
Mostly pissed…

And I got the whooping of a lifetime!

(Man… always that goddamn slipper!
Always the slipper…)

You think I would have learned from that…

But THEY (In general) made it all too easy for me to fall back into it…

Hello ATARI…
Hello Coleco…
Hello Game and Watch…
Hello Sega Genesis…

I don’t know how I steered myself out of the spiral…

I lost the urge to own a video game system somewhere before Playstation…
(Thank God!)
But it’s all a pixilated blur…

I think it’s around the college years…
That’s when I lost the urge…
That’s when I found other “past times”…

But now…
Well I’m doing fine for now…
I’m itching for new games…
Maybe an accessory or two…

That’s all…

But later on down the road…
When they release the next generation of gaming platforms…
XBox2…
Playstation 3…

God help me…

I’m in for it, BIG TIME!

*eek*

I’ve been grinding and McTwisting my way through a
World Destruction Tour with Tony Hawk.

Hawkeye needs me…

Yeah…

Yeah…

That’s it…

(I wonder how long it’s gonna take before I get the feeling back in my thumbs again?)

I have no idea why…
But I have this weird facination for
“innovative” and “ground breaking” products
(As Seen On TV)
that had/have promised to
“revolutionize” and “streamline” your life.
Products that are invented to supposedly ease one into “do it yourself”,
And make you the envy of all around you.

I mean…
I love to “do it myself”…

(Fill in auto-sexual joke here)

But the following products just seemed odd…
And when I say odd, I mean FACINATING!

They danced on the edge of pop culture…
Destined to become fad…
But fell by the wayside as faux pa.

I love the concept of them…
But actually buying them…
That’s another story…

I guess it all kind of started with

The Bedazzler

There’s nothing like the statement that studs bring.

LOTS of studs…

On everything…

On your shoes…
On your shirts…
On your bag…
On your curtains…
On your rug…

You get the picture…

You’d look like a walking disco ball…

(Eeek.)

(Hmmm… lot’s of studs…
Sounds like that dream I had… *sigh*)

Next is

The Ultimate Sweater Machine

(I remember it as the Incredible Sweater Machine, but I guess after all these years it’s become the ULTIMATE!)
I remember seeing this on the TV and I was like…

My god…

I need this…

I need this to make everyone in my family sweaters and scarves,

they will never ever wear,

except when they are around me,

just to humor me,

and make sure I don’t get offended,

even though through out the rest of the year,

the sweater is stashed in the abandoned corner of some out of the way storage closet,

collecting dust bunnies,

never again to strike horror into the hearts of man,

like the dismembered head of Medusa the gorgon.

(A TITAN AGAINST A TITAN!!!!)

Next…

The Betty Crocker Bake’n Fill Cake Pan

The idea is actually kinda cool…
But after the first time…
The novelty would seem like it would wear thin pretty fast.

“Oh… look John. Mike brought a cake. Oh… And it’s filled with ice cream… again. Um… thanks.”

(Fill in awkward silence here.)

And last but not least…
My new favorite product of the moment…

Bling It On
Peel and stick crystals you can put on anything…
Cause everyone deserves a little bling.

(gag.)

This touches two nerves for me.

First…
The term “bling”.
If I hear another person mention the word one more time…

Trying to be all “down and with it”…

I will get all Naomi Cambell on their ass and smack them upside the head with my Blackberry…
(If I had one… but you get the idea.)

Two…
The idea of blinging your accessories…
Just spawns more Paris Hilton clones out there…

More than one Paris Hilton is one too many…

(You know them… with their “purse piles” clogging up the dance floor and their “Like, OMG, like I’m, like, sooooooo drunk” attitude. Little skanks with their noses in the air thinking they’re hotter than sh*t on a shingle while their shoes fell off the back of a Chinatown truck… You know… Snobby Ho’s.)

I’ve just touched on the tip of the iceburg.
There are so many more products out there…
And I know many more to come…
Like the Magic Bullet…
(An entire meal in under two minutes!!!!
But how can this be?!?!)

But there is only so much room I have on here…
And I haven’t eaten all day…
So excuse me…
I have to see if my sandwich pockets are ready.