I want that PSP 2.0 update!

What did you guys think I was talking about?!?!

(You pervs…)

It’s adding on a lot of extra features for the PSP…
The most important feature…

Web Browser!

Wireless internet…
At my fingertips…

Woo hoo!

Oh yeaaaaaaah…

Awww…

C’mon…

Don’t make me beg now…

I have no idea what I have/had…
I ended up going to work this morning…
Going through the usual motions…
Then…

BAM…

Chills…
Light headedness…
Stomach pains…
And I got real, real tired…

I ended up going home…

I managed to eat a little…
Then I crawled up on the couch…

And then proceeded to fall asleep for 6 HOURS…

Grabbed a blanket…
Sweated things out a bit…

But now I’m up…
Ate again…
And I’m… generally okay…
Still a little tired…
Stomach still a little off…
But all in all…
Okay…

Weird.

Maybe it was the B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

(Thanks Peter… :p I thought it looked wrong… lol)

Ok…
I’m not rolling in the dough…
Basically… I’m living… and that’s it…

I’ve been working at my company for a while now…
and I have vacation time coming.

So…

I want to go somewhere…

But where?

I know I don’t have the money…
But I really want to go back to…

*Cue Up Village People Song*

SAAAAAAN FRAAAAAN CISCO…
SAAAAAAN FRANCISCOOOOO…

*End Village People Song*

Reason?!?!?

I’ll give you two…

The Love Parade (San Francisco)
&
The Folsom Street Fair

They’re both happening on the same weekend!!!!!!!

And I want to go really really really really badly…

I went to the first Love Parade that San Francisco held last year…
And I had an amazing time…
Great vibe…
Very cool people…
And excellent music…
I shook the money maker till the very last dime…

As for the Folsom Street Fair…
I hang out at the Eagle here in New York City…
I’m not huge into the leather scene…
I kinda really just like the guys,
with or without the leather…
(woof.)

*sigh*

What’s a boy to do…

I’ve been toying around with the idea
of moving out to San Francisco…

This may be the deciding factor…

Paul Ruben’s Day

It was Paul Rubin’s Day in San Fran yesterday!!!

It’s basically a celebration honoring Paul Rubin
(aka Pee Wee Herman)…
And centering on the idea of how his arrest
for masturbating in a porn theater ended a budding career too soon.

In other words… It’s a celebration promoting one to be sex positive…

In our country…
Where guns, violence and murder are ok to portray in film…
God forbid there be any type of sexual expression in the media…

Jinkies!
Costume malfunction!
Buttocks on NYPD Blue!
“Hot Coffee” in my GTA San Andreas!

Puleeeez.

Perverted?
I know you are, but what am I?

I was just watching Longtime Companion
on Logo…
I haven’t see this movie since I was a teenager…
I had seen it on PBS…
Late one night…

Back then I was still figuring out who I was…
AIDS (and HIV) finally had a face…
And I cried when the movie was over…

I just finished watching the movie now…

And I still cried…

Back then…
When I was a teen…
My life was pretty sheltered…
My parents did a great job protecting me from this world…
But deep down inside…
I wanted to experience life…
All of it…

I came to NYC for college…
And from there, I got what I wanted…

All of it…

At the end of the movie…
Everyone comes back to the beach on Fire Island…
The beach where the story began…
Everyone alive and dead…
Celebrating the cure of AIDS…

One of the main characters stands there…
It’s him picturing the friends that he lost…
Coming back…
And the smile on their faces beaming for everyone to see…
Then…

A cut to just him and his lover standing alone
on the beach with their girlfriend…
No one but them…

He finally saying…

“I hope to see that day.”

(The day they find the cure for HIV)

Back then…
The story was a only a sad story…
One I could relate to only by referring to losses
and struggles in my life ever so far…
Yes I cried…
I cried for them…
Understanding as far as I could…

But that was then…
And this is now…

I have been lucky to know and have become friends
With many individuals living with HIV…
And many of them are strong, wickedly sharp individuals…
Who plow through life and touch many people around them…

I’m not going to portray them as victims…
Cause that’s not who they are…
But when I saw Longtime Companion again tonight…
I cried because of the people before them…
The people who didn’t have the benefit of drugs available so far…
Of individuals who had to live and die
not knowing exactly what they were going through…
I didn’t really understand back then…
This was just a “fictional” story of one group of friends…
Yes…
But this story was played out…
By MILLIONS of groups of friends…

For the many HIV positive individuals
who have helped round out my life
in one way or another…
And the people who came before them
who lost their lives in this war…

It’s for these individuals…
And the ones who will come after them…

I say..
(15 years later after it was first said in Longtime Companion)

“I hope to see that day.”

(The day they find the cure for HIV)

Went out tonight with “this guy”…

We drank…
We danced…
We laughed…
We smiled…

I liked him…

He liked “someone else”…

“Someone else” lives in Ireland…

“This guy” is waiting for him…

Good enough for me…

I backed off…

Got to respect…

Tastes like dark chocolate…

Bitter sweet ya’ know…

I’ve yet to really have a long term relationship with a man….
I’ve dated a few people here and there…
But nothing longer than a couple of weeks…
And when I do have that relationship…

What is it going to be like?

There are all these questions that I have
when it comes to how a relationship should be…

And could be…

But one of the major things that has come to mind is…

Will there eventually be a third?

I’ve known many couples in my years
in the gay community….
Many of them have been friends of mine…
Many of them have been together for a number of years…

And many of them have included third parties into their sex lives…

I don’t know how I feel about this…

I do understand enough…
The idea that when you’ve been with another person for a long time…
Sometimes you want to take your sex life to another level…
To spark something or fill in needs that you both want to fulfill…

I also understand the idea of how we’ve lived in a society where…
The standards for relationships have been set by a straight world…
And when it comes to gay relationships…
There are no real standards…
The idea of…
Why should I live my life dictated by a straight person’s ideology?

I also understand that…
If you love someone…
You can trust that person…
You know that this is the person you want to wake up with in the morning…
Have breakfast with…
To have your ups and downs with…
And it’s that trust, that bond, that will keep you together…

Even though you may bring in a third party…
It’s that person you will be with for the rest of your life…
That third party is only for the sex…
(and for the friendship at times…)
Nothing more…

A part of me also sees the other side of it…
Part of me still sits in
the group of ideas that we have grown up with
when it comes to relationships…

If you’re with someone…
It’s that someone you should be with…

Monogamy had always been an undertone in the way I lived…
The idea of being faithful to one person and them doing the same…
Taking care of each other’s needs…
No matter if it’s needs of the heart or the body…

I had always perceived the idea of many couples who bring in a third
more like “friends with benefits”…

Yes they do love each other…
But doesn’t the dynamic go askew at times?
Moments when one person gets more attention than the other…
Then the idea of jealousy comes into play…
Yes… If you love that person… you can trust them…
But doesn’t “belonging and commitment” change into another phase?

I have flirted with couples and have actually been with a couple… couples…
But if I was in a relationship…
I don’t think I could be comfortable having a third join us…
The idea of seeing the love of my life having sex with another person…
Giving himself to another…
Enjoying himself with another person…
I don’t believe I would be able to take it…

Also…
I’ve come across a number of couples who had brought in a third…
Who later broke up soon after…
Either seeing other people…
Or one of them going off with the third person
they had origianally introduced into the relationship…

I don’t know…
It’s seems like a lot of couples that I know “share” themselves…
Like A LOT of couples…
And I’m very confused…

Has this become a standard now?
Has monogamy become a thing of the past?
Is this prevalent in the straight world as well and I don’t know it?
Does bringing in a third weaken the bond of a pair?
Or does it strengthen it through an increase in trust brought on because of it?
And now, how do I deal if a couple wants to be with me?
Yes the temptation is there…
(God knows it’s been a while…)
And even though I don’t believe I could let a third
come into a relationship I would have…
Is it hypocritical of me to go home with a couple
who have chosen, for themselves, to include a third?

I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it…
It’s just…
Many of the ideals that I once had
are coming into question now…
And I don’t have enough people in my life
who I can approach to answer these questions…

oye vey…

No…
This post is not about pups…
Just one D.O. double G., son…
Me.

Husky…

That would be the clothing size I had when I was a kid…

Yup…

Husky…

Who really thought that was the best choice
to describe large clothes for fat kids?!?!

You have your Small…
You have your Medium…
You have your Large….
Then you have your HUSKY.

Lovely…

I was a big kid growing up…
Hell…
Portly if you will…
I was rather big, up until midway through college…

I weighed in around 240…
And that was all fat…

Then things about how I perceived myself changed in College
and I went on a diet, worked out and dropped down to 175-180…
I definitely owe alot of it to me coming out around then…
It really made me feel better about myself…

Now I’m back up to about 210…
Some muscle, some fat…
But comfortable…
Sort of…

I remember back then…

The big, fat kid that was picked on…
The one that never fit in anywhere…
Because of the way I felt inside and the way I looked outside…

That kid pops up in me…
I still can feel him creep up and get into my head sometimes…

I am feeling better about myself…
I know I’m ok…

It’s just these situations I come across…

Body image bashes me in the face…

I hang out at the Eagle often…
I like hanging out there…
A place where guys can be guys…
I like it better than a lot of the other bars…
Mostly cause the guys aren’t so preen and proper…

Yes, “Queer Eye” has helped out the community
by allowing us more exposure to a society that normally would ignore us…
But sometimes…
I don’t want to wear the chinos with the button down…

T shirt and jeans…
Sometimes, all I want is t-shirt and jeans…

So the Eagle is a great place to hang out…
Guys being guys…

But then…
There are the muscle bears…
Don’t get me wrong…
They’re a great bunch of handsome guys…
They can be a little cliquey…
But I can understand that…
Most of them have know each other for years…
And have been part of the bear culture for a lot longer…

I’ve only been delving into the bear culture every so often…

It’s just…
In a place where I felt most comfortable…
A place, where if your not as toned or as fit…
It’s ok…

But when I see these guys take off their shirts…
I get that pang again…

That fat kid in my past slams his fist into my gut and I double over…

I know I’m not the Elephant Man…
But I’ve always had this problem with self esteem.
I’m better with it…
I carry myself very well…
But this kid is still there…
It’s a part of who I am…
I can’t deny that…

I just need to shut him up more often…