Well…
Even after digging into one of my fellow bloggers about it…
And after almost 5 or 6 years of not picking one up…

I smoked a cigarette a couple of days ago.

Its been a long time coming I guess…
I’ve had these pangs every now and then…
Nothing major, like fiending or something…
But like… hmmm… I wonder… type of pangs…
I also ended up dreaming about smoking a couple of nights ago…
I actually reconstructed enough of what it was like…
That I woke up and feeling like I had done it…

Then there was a couple of days ago…

Sitting outside my bar….
Someone out front was smoking…
And I found my self going…

I want to smoke…
I don’t know why… but I do.

I asked him for one…
Grabbed an American Spirit from his pack…
Stuck it between my left 2 fingers…
Borrowed his lighter…
Flipped up the top…
Clicked the butane on…
Brought it to the tip…
Felt the heat against my face…
As I lifted the cigarette to my lips…

And took in a drag.

It was like I hadn’t stopped…

The motions were fluid…
Familiar gestures…
I only stuttered when taking in the moment…

It was smooth going in the first couple of times…
Then after the first half of the cigarette was done…
I felt it…

A combination of several physical and mental effects…
I could feel the warmth increasing in my throat…
I felt a head rush coming on like I stood up too fast…
And then there was the heavy feeling in my chest…

The last from the smoke…
And the guilt I felt.

I finished it.
And stubbed it under my foot.

Since then…
I’ve had a couple more…
But only at work…

I haven’t smoked when I’m at home…
And I’m not getting those…
OMG I need a cigarette just cause I:
…Woke up…
…took a shit…
…had lunch…
…stepped outside…etc.

I don’t know.
I don’t think I’ve really started smoking again.
Not like I used to…

Maybe I’m just working through something…
Maybe myself telling me…

“Get it out of your system.”

I don’t know.

Till then… we’ll see.
But I hope I get over this soon.

It’s cause Gay Bloggers are coming!
The Gay Bloggers are coming!

Man I almost forgot it’s this weekend…

The annual GB:NYC gathering is happening this weekend aptly named

GB:NYC 4

Here’s the itinerary…

FRIDAY 25TH
What: Bloggers, Fans and Stalkers Meet and Greet
Where: Therapy on the 2nd floor.
348 West 52nd Street, New York, New York 10019.
Phone: 212.397.1700
Time: 9:00pm until whenever we decide to stop

SATURDAY 26TH:
Where: Sheep Meadow (aka Bear Hill) at Central Park
West side, mid-Park from 66th to 69th Streets
Time: 1:00pm
Why: Watch the Roller Disco Skaters, eat lunch, drink and enjoy the sun, weather permitting. (No alcohol, but I hear you may smuggle it in through cleverly designed sprite bottles)

Saturday night alternatives:

The Eagle
Many bloggers could be found at The Eagle on the Rooftop
554 West 28th Street (between 10th & 11th Ave)
http://eaglenyc.com/
Time: 10pm?

Theater Night:
Crash from Crash and Byrne will be going to see Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind at 10:30 PM in the East Village. The tickets are $11-16 each. After the hour long show, he will be going to hit the East Village gay bar(s), probably Urge and Eastern Bloc.

Marie’s Crisis
I wanted to make sure I took Brian and Steven to check out New York’s infamous piano bar, Marie’s Crisis.

SUNDAY 27TH:
Where: The Dugout for the Bear Beer Bust followed by Joe.My.God’s infamous Blarg (Blogger Bar Hop) in Chelsea.
Dugout: 185 Christopher St New York, NY 10014-2815 (212) 242-9113
Time: Meet at The Dugout at 5pm, end at The Eagle Beer Bust by 8pm. Bars would include the Dugout, Gym, View, Rawhide and the Eagle.

MONDAY 28TH:
A BBQ on Monday (Memorial Day) starting at noon, has been added for those who would like to attend and is being hosted by Marc and Jess. Both are wonderful host and incredible cooks, not to mention great people. Anyone wanting to attend will have to email them to let them know so they have an accurate count of who’s coming. If you don’t have their email address, please contact me and I will get it for you.

So there you have it…
Finger licking good.

I’m gonna probably attend Friday…
And maybe Saturday… day.
But when it comes to Saturday and Sunday night…
Well…
I’ll be working…
So…

Ummm…

Yeah…

Anywho…

I’ve been attending these events for a while now…
So lets just say…

I want all proofs on pictures taken during that night…
As to prevent any incriminating evidence to surface.

Not that I’d do anything incriminating…

No.

Not I.

Moi?

No…

Never.

Guess what I found on the street outside my bar?

The label on the front said “Rand Majestic”
and the company is based in Germany.

It’s got a beautiful look to it…
And I think I want to restore it…

It’s covered in rust…
Missing a pedal…
The wheels are completely flat…
I mean…
This is gonna take some time…

And I have no idea where to start…
But I really want to put this bike back into shape…

I think I’m gonna replace the seat with a banana seat…
And I’m gonna stretch the rear sissy bar up to a longer line.
I’m also thinking of repainting it black,
maybe with a matte finish…
Or bare aluminum…
If I had the money…
I’d paint it pagan green…

But I’m not sure though…
The cheetah patterned seat and metallic purple
are pure punk rock…

I also think I’d like to reapply the hand painted body lines it has…

God…
So much to do…
But in the end…
I think I’m gonna have one sweet little ride.

I didn’t remember till I was riding in a cab back
to my train station last night…
I guess I blocked it out…

Yesterday, on my way to work…
I ended up seeing a little kid get hit by a taxi…

It was horrible…
I mean…
I saw it all…

I was walking in Chelsea when I looked across the street at these 2 kids
facing a pair of service double doors, side by side…
One was older, probably 10 or 11…
The younger, about 7 or 8…
Both Latino…
Probably from the projects across the street…

They were positioned like they were taking a piss in the doorway…
And I was like…
That’s pretty ballsy doing that in the middle of the day like that…
They could get in trouble…
The streets are busy and a cop could be walking by or something…

Next thing I knew
I saw them both pounding on the doors and then run…
They were doing a “ring and run”…
What the kids where I lived used to do…
Ringing someone’s doorbell
and then run and hide before someone sees you…

Well the older one bolts down the sidewalk…
The little one…

(Why dude… Why did you decide to do it?)

He runs across the street…
Trying to get to my side…

I’m watching…
And then I turn to look up the street…
A taxi is making its way down…

Not fast…
But fast enough…

I’m like…
Oh my god… He’s gonna get hit…
No… No…
He’ll make it…
Yeah… he’s almost…

“OH MY GOD!”

I heard the hit…
No smash or crash…
But a thud…
And like a rag doll…
I mean… he went limp and was thrown…

The cab stopped immediately…
The passenger in the back…
An older gentleman with graying hair leaps out from the back
and yells out,

“Oh my god… someone call 911! Someone call 911!”

I pulled out my Sidekick and started dialing…

“Operator… where’s the emergency?”
“I need an ambulance… A little kid got hit by a taxi!”
“Where is this?”
“24th St and 8th Ave.”
“Is this in Manhattan?”
“Yes! Yes!”
“Is the little boy moving?”
“He’s unconscious… he’s not getting up. He’s hurt pretty bad.”
“Is that the mother crying in the background?”
“No, I think that’s his sister.”
“The police and EMS are on their way.”

While I was on the phone I had see a little girl probably around 11 or 12 come by me…
With my ear to the phone all I could hear her say was…
“What happened? WHAT HAPPENED!?! NOOOOO!!”
She had run to where the little boy had landed…
And the wail she let out stabbed me in the gut…

After that…
It was a flurry of activity…
People started to gather, that looked like friends and relatives…
Passersby were getting on their phones about to call 911…
Another gentleman was waving cars to go down the avenue
and not go down the street…

I had to walk away…
It was too much…

I have to eat…
I’m gonna be late for work…
I have to go…
I have to go…

I ended up walking into the restaurant…
Looking up at the menu on the wall
I looked and I looked…
But I just…
Damn it…
I can’t eat…
I need to find out if he’s okay….

I walked back to where the accident had happened…
The ambulance and cops had come…
People had begun to crowd…
Asking each other what had happened…
Talking about how it happened…

EMS workers ended up taking out the gurney…
Picking up the little boys body from the street
and strapping him gentlely to a board…
They pulled a sheet over his body…
But not his face…
It may be a cliche from movies…
But not seeing the sheet pulled over his face…
Made me think…

Thank god… He’s not dead.

They put him in the back of the ambulance…
The little girl sitting with him…

And they drove off…

And I walked back to the restaurant…

Shaken…

And moved on…

I woke up today…
Checking my email…

I looked around my desk
and saw a card I had bought last week…

Damn I forgot to send that…

Oh my god…
Today’s Mother’s Day…
That little boy…
Oh my god…That little boy’s mother.

What exactly would you do…
If a good friend of yours and his boyfriend…
Decide to hook up with someone you despise?

I mean, this person made you feel like shit.
Even though you were just doing your job…
And this person thought he deserved privilege…
Just cause… etc. etc…

What do you do…
bedsides be disappointed…

Just let it go?
Just cause they are your friends…
Pass it over and chalk it up to carnal frailty…
Temptation and opportunity…

Do you approach the friendship more cautiously
cause your feelings were not taken into consideration…
with them knowing how you felt about the person?

I mean…
Who exactly are you to them…
Is that relationship enough
to warrant them to reconsider the situation…

And what?

Approach them and bring up the way you felt?
Perhaps adding awkwardness to a situation
that might not warrant your expression?

I mean…
What?
What exactly would you do?