Well…
Hi… It’s been a while I know.
But well…
Hi.
So… Might as well jump back into it.
Things have been weighing heavy on my mind and heart as of late…
And I need someplace to vent…
Or contemplate…
A little bit of both I guess.
I’ve been dating this guy…
(I guess you can call it dating…
We’ve been going out once a week for the past 2 or 3 weeks.
So I guess… yes, we’ve been dating.)
We met before Gay Pride…
At the AIDS candlelight vigil…
And ended up having dinner together that night…
I had a good time…
We talked and joked…
We eventually even ended up holding hands that night
walking down Christopher St…
(When it comes to holding hands with someone…
I can take it or leave it… But it did feel good…
It’s been a while since I’ve done that.)
He lives a couple of hours away up state…
And was in town for the vigil specifically…
Well he’s driven down to meet up with me
a couple of times already…
And I like him…
We have good conversations…
About our feelings…
His work and mine…
Movies… Music…
We eventually did sleep together…
And it was good…
(Can you hear a “but” coming?)
BUT…
I don’t know…
He likes me a lot…
Like he’s really into me…
BUT…
I don’t know if I’m really into him…
A while back I read the book…
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho…
and it mentioned about how life wants you to succeed…
You just need to “read the signs” that it gives you…
When I met this guy that day at the vigil…
There were things here and there…
Signs that I kept bumping into…
How we were both there for people that we had cared about…
How he had lived near the record store I had managed for years at…
How he had known the owner of the store…
Similar experiences he and the owner had in their lives…
Just all these things…
And I followed them…
I looked at them and thought…
“This could be something.”
Well we’ve gone out a couple of times…
To dinner
and walking to the water to watch the sunset…
And I had a good time…
BUT…
I don’t think I feel anything more…
Than “good”.
I feel that there is a passion he has for me…
He likes me…
He wants to be with me…
And I’ve always wanted someone like that…
Someone who is chasing me…
Not me chasing them…
Which I find myself doing all the time…
BUT…
I don’t really feel any passion toward him.
I like hanging out with him…
He’s handsome…
BUT…
When I’m not with him…
My first thought isn’t…
I want to call him…
I want to see him…
But… “that was fun.”
For those who don’t know…
I’ve never really been in a long term relationship before…
I’ve dated a couple of people…
But never for too long…
I decided to ride this out…
To see where it goes…
For the past couple of weeks…
Cause to tell you the truth…
I don’t know how this is supposed to go…
Kinda like having training wheels on a bike…
I think I get the idea…
But I’m still wobbling as I go…
Part of me has come to realize…
I’ve come to a part of my life where…
For the first time in my life…
I think I’m finally comfortable with who I am…
Sure I have my moments…
I could lose more weight…
I could be doing more things for plans I’ve got in my head…
Like the music thing
and the possibility of opening up a business of my own…
Me moving to the West Coast…
But I think I actually found a place…
Where I find myself comfortable…
With who I am…
And where I am…
And part of that…
Includes a certain amount of independence…
That I’ve managed to grow into…
A long time ago…
I had believed that I needed to be with someone…
That I needed a relationship to make me whole…
That a relationship…
I guess deep inside….
Would prove to myself that I was someone…
That someone could want me…
And love me…
Would prove to me…
That I am someone…
That I am worth something.
BUT now…
I now know… I’m OK.
I’m not afraid to be by myself.
That being alone is not a bad thing.
And now…
I don’t know.
Maybe it’s an intimacy issue with me…
Maybe thats why I’ve never managed to date anyone for too long…
But something in me is saying otherwise…
And I feel this wrenching in my pit that’s saying to me…
“You need to talk to this guy.”
I’m wondering if I should just keep on going out with him…
Maybe I’ve missed something…
Maybe I’ve been closing off something in me…
Thats not letting me feel for him…
He had wanted me to come up to visit him at the end of the week…
(I’m off on Thursdays and Fridays.)
He wanted me to come up to visit him on Friday…
And he offered to drive me back to the city Saturday before work…
But something came up at work…
Where they need me to fill in on Friday for the next 2 weeks…
Cause someone is going away for a couple of weeks…
I said yes…
One cause they needed me, cause they didn’t have anybody else…
BUT
Two…
And I hate to say this…
But deep down inside…
I wanted a bit of a break from seeing this guy.
Damn it…
It just seems wrong…
He’s a real nice guy…
And like I said…
I like him…
He’s said, “I’m not here to hurt you… but I also don’t want to be hurt as well.”
He said that as more of a comfort for me…
But now…
I see it as a counter-spin on something I’m feeling now.
Man… This sucks.
